What A Day
by Eleven Roses
Summary: It's a day by day battle, coming up with the most unique, the most inventive, the absolute best matches in the WWE. Or.. is it? A REAL look into the backstage world! (starring, well, mostly everyone).
1. RAW: It's A Brilliant Idea!

Disclaimer: I don't own Raw, Smackdown, Velocity, Sunday Night Heat, or any other programs I may mention. Ditto for the people. Unless I manage to kidnap a few from the shows...  
  
**In a big, expensive place**  
  
Stephanie McMahon sighed and threw another paper ball. It bounced off the wall, and landed a few feet from the garbage can. Her eyes brightened, and she sat up in her really-comfy-I-paid-$900-for-this chair. That's it! I can really put RAW under if I just make a wrestling basketball team, and have all the superstars play... oh, wait. I forgot. They're not THAT kind of athletes. She shrugged, and kept writing down ideas. It was either that or, well, resort to pushing two people as the main eventers even though they were either below or past their prime, and giving the titles to people who didn't deserve them. What kind of General Manager would do that?  
  
**Meanwhile, in a little place called RAW (the show formerly known as... IS WAR, but did anybody realize how much each of those title letters cost?!**  
  
"Uh, are you sure this is a real match?" Terri asked, twirling her hair. She looked at Stacy, who immediately started twirling her hair better and faster, while working in a few leg flexes.  
  
Eric Bischoff smiled. "Why, of course it is! I mean, who hasn't heard of the "Wear A Tight Outfit And High Heels And Whoever Falls Into The Pool Of Mud And Is Stripped First Loses" matches? It's a brilliant idea! I think I'll go ask DDP for some more bleaching techniques to celebrate!" He nodded to himself a few more times, and then walked off in no particular direction, probably to give some wrestlers a match they wanted but he wouldn't let them have, but if they reallllllllly wanted it they could do it with the Island Boys interfering.  
  
And, of all people, he ran into Triple H (with a camera permanently attacked to his left shoulder). He was about to say something, but then ducked off camera to read a few cue cards. The camera followed. Frowning (or was it smirking, or maybe the smile, or it could it have been the thinking face?), Triple H attempted to run away, but only managed to swagger a few steps before tripped over a cord. A faint 'suckaaaaa' was heard in the distance.  
  
Shrugging it off, Eric continued strolling through the halls. There was the UnAmericans locker room, who had torn off the American made door in favour of a homeland one they made out of shrubs and tree bark. And then he ran into Booker T, or actually his hand, and didn't have a chance to say a word before the Island Boys appeared out of nowhere and beat him to a pulp. Just then, Eric watched in amazement as Goldust appeared (with a newly mended MiniDust by his side) and destroyed Jamal and Rosey. Wait.... rewind that. Eric Bischoff watched IN GLEE as Goldust made yet another rescue attempt and was thrown into a dumpster and rolled away. MiniDust suffered few injuries, having hidden himself in Rosey's hair as a mosquito.  
  
All this action was making things harder. Eric had to think of a plan, a good one, to beat Smackdown! in the ratings. Stephanie McMahon, that bitch!, had good matches and appreciated talent, and he really needed to think of something to beat her. Hmm... if these fans don't want half-naked Stacy, what do they want? His eyes suddenly lit up. Of course! They want half-naked Triple H! Everyone loves a good dosage of him!  
  
**Later, after a match (yes, there are a few of those)**  
  
Cameras followed Chris Jericho to a locker room, belonging to Triple H and Ric "I Want Another Good Year" Flair, and a few half naked females. And, yes, there was Bischoff's plan! No, not the women, Triple H dressed in a towel. With girls fawning over him. If anything, his RAW showed real life better than Smackdown! ever could.  
  
Laughing, Eric watched the monitor and continued to think. Things were definitely on their way now. All he had to do was get rid of a few more titles, and his secret plan (wait, I didn't mention that?) would be on it's way. Not more Triple H... wait, that was a good idea! He'd do that next week for sure. But, anyway, his big plan was so big... that it was small.  
  
I'm a review sucker, let me know if you like and I'll continue. 


	2. Smackdown, Velocity, SNH: Pain! Discomfo...

**And then, there was Smackdown!**  
  
Kurt Angle was furious. Why did people keep misinterpreting everything he said?! He didn't like little boys, and he didn't want to be on top of Billy OR Chuck! He just liked trying out moves on twelve year olds (like he affectionately called Rey Mysterio) and admired Chuck's hair. Some people are just sick, he was thinking, just as he walked past someone he didn't want to see.  
  
"Squeal!" Chris Benoit chanted, practicing. "Whine! Moan! Shiver! Coo! Plead! Beg! Whoo... oops!" He turned slightly, and grinned. There was tapping boy, right on cue. "I will make you feel pain!" he screamed, and started running after Kurt. "Pain! Discomfort! And then I'll bite you!"  
  
Kurt ran, screaming, to Stephanie McMahon's office. "No! Don't leave any more teeth marks in my outfit! I already have to change it every two weeks already, and that's not including the ones that I ordered saying "I'll Make You Tap Tap Tap"!"  
  
Strutting out in her business attire (no, really!), Stephanie pointed to Benoit with a very... mean? glare. "Now, you listen here! I'm your General Manager! And I do want you to make Kurt moan, and squeal," she paused to take one deep breath. "But I want it to be in the ring!" That said, they both stomped off, and she wiped sweat off her forehead. She could swear she heard cheap saxphone/sex music starting up somewhere...  
  
**Meanwhile, Funaki was doing his job**  
  
"This Funaki. Smackdown! number one anouncer!" he said, and then pointed at the door behind him. "And this door! Door make things behind door not seen! But Funaki show you on Smackdown! what behind door! Coming up next!" As the camera faded away, Funaki wondered what ever happened to his wrestling matches.  
  
**In Rey Mysterio's locker room**  
  
Rey sat on a stool, tying his shoes. He gazed up at the wall, and nodded. "Be the man, Rey. You are the height you believe yourself to be. You are the age you believe yourself to be. You are the people's person, the people's hero, the people's new generation. And, one day, they will forget all about him." He sighed, and then stopped staring at his autographed picture of The Rock. I have funky eyes and better clothes than Rocky, the people love me. His people love me!  
  
Someone knocked on his door, and it turned out to be Edge. He smiled, and then wordlessly returned the container of chest wax he'd borrowed earlier that day. Once that was done, Edge walked out through the arena and watched the match going on. He was shocked! This was... just totally matchilicious! It reeked of talent-osity! Too bad he couldn't say so anymore, he did love his made up words.  
  
**On a million dollar movie set**  
  
The Rock looked in the mirror, and continued tweazing his beloved eyebrow. The other one, having been neglected as the obvious un-favorite for years, was turning grey and had lost it's brother's tradmark arch. After a short People's smile, The Rock walked onto the People's set and looked around in confusion. This was the People's set, the People's camera, the People's movie, and the People's champ... but where had the People gone?  
  
Being a confused Rock, but still as charismatic as the normal Rock, The Rock walked over to The Rock's chair and placed The Rock's candy ass in it. The Rock felt something in the People's- no, The Rock's- stomach. The Rock knew what was The Rock's problem. Something was missing from The Rock's life. Something bigger than the People, something even bigger than The Rock himself. After a moment of The Rock's thinking, The Rock knew what it was. The Rock hadn't become a contemporary artist and a landscape painter! That was what was missing in The Rock's life! There were still things left for The Rock to do!  
  
Having decided to change The Rock's career, The Rock ran out of the building, never to return again. And, though the People were not pleased, they would accept him everytime he decided to return and let him star in another blockbuster movie hit.  
  
**After some big tag team action**  
  
Rikishi hit his head against the wall. Oh no. Stephanie'll figure it out for sure! Stupid, stupid Kish! She'll fire you for sure once she realizes you want to be an Island Boy. They really do have it all... and that's why he learned the Samoan Drop. And had, had... USED it! On Stephanie's Smackdown! In between fearing for his career, Rikishi did a little dance to celebrate. Not the usual one, this was a new one he'd been practicing for weeks. He called it the "Island Boys Shuffle." And he still wondered why no one had clued in yet...  
  
**Smackdown!, Velocity section**  
  
As the young John Cena wondered what happened to his big push, he fought his favorite Star Wars character. What a week this was going to be.  
  
**Sndy Nite Het (did we not mention the price of those damn letters?!**  
  
Like Velocity (please don't tell Bischoff I said that, he promised a three minute warning if I did. Hmm, I wonder if he realizes that it ISN'T a big surprise anymore?), not much happened on Sunday Night Heat. D'lo Brown was no longer wrestling. No one cared, so he made a secret plan with Mr. Sir. Bischoff to be executed on Monday Night. Raven was there (and in a small town, the woodchuck lovers smiled at this) and said some stuff. Like always, no one understood, but thought it was incredibly deep/ meaningful/ frightening. Raven wondered if anyone would ever realize they were just his way of saying he felt unappreciated, and he'd really like to be back on Raw again. He wasn't ungrateful, really! Stupid people and their misconceptions... 


	3. RAW: Not Even The Island Boys

**Raw!! Whooo!!**  
  
It was only moments before showtime, and Eric Bischoff was backstage, talking with Rico. He grinned and shined the Raw Roulette Wheel, and then looked out the window at the Vegas scenery around them. "This is going to be the big show, I'm sure of it, Rico!" he said proudly. "How could this not be a good show? We've got this wheel-thing, and it spins, and then I've got this guy back here making sure it lands on my favorite matches." He paused to look behind the scenes, where Earl the Unappreciated Employee was busy hooking up wires.  
  
Rico nodded vigourously. "This entire idea is brilliant! Ground breaking! No one has ever done this before... well, unless you count when WCW did it..." He noted Bischoff's face go pale, and he started to look around nervously. "What? What did I say?" he said, in a high pitched voice.  
  
"You said, said, the, the, the," Bischoff had to pause, he was already trembling in fear. "YOU SAID THOSE LETTERS!" he finally screamed, and Rico remained calm.  
  
"So?"  
  
"SO?!" Bischoff repeated, before leaning in close. "Not even the Island Boys can protect you from Vince's McMahon's wrath for mentioning... the other companies. Everyone knows that! He'll ruin your push, make you act like a stupid character, turn you into everything he thinks the fans will like but they really hate..." he trailed off, then looked closely at Rico. "Nevermind."  
  
**A Camera moves around randomly backstage**  
  
Chris Jericho was talking to The Big Show, pretending to be understanding when he was really laughing on the inside. Big Show thought he needed a decent push, maybe an actual title shot. That jackass! Did he not realize he was standing in front of the resident King... of the... World! Not knowing it, Jericho has accidently shouted out that last part, and Big Show stared at him.  
  
"Uh, Chris, what was that? You think you're in Titanic or something?" he said slowly, and then laughed and slapped his knee.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Jericho said, busy looking around for reflective surfaces to check out his beautiful face (and the rat... I mean, goatee-turned-beard). 


	4. More RAW: The Things You Love

**Still on RAW (can you tell which is my favorite show?)**  
  
Eric Bischoff walked to the ring, smiling as he ate a piece of cheese (you never heard it was good for your teeth?). As his music played, one lone redhead said "I love that song!" He got into the ring, took his beloved mic, and then patted his hand on his chest, right over his heart.  
  
"You people, you know I love ya!" he said, walking around and nodding to them. "Which is what gave me my next idea. Stephanie McMahon may have her talented wrestlers, better gimicks, and a fresher announce team than RAW, but we've got Mini-Dust!" The crowd was silent, and he laughed. "You see, I know how you all love that little beaten scamp, and I've decided to give you more of the things you love!" Like more Triple H, he thought, and then turned his smile up a notch. That was a keeper, definitely! I'll file that away to use next week.  
  
"But first, before I explain this, I'd like to invite Mini-Dust to the ring. C'mon out, you gold frea-I mean, friend of mine." Sometimes those words were so hard not to confuse...  
  
Goldust's music hit, and little Mini-Dust walked out unaccompanied. He held a mini-baseball bat close to his side, and quickly walked down to the ring. Pausing to look left and right (hoping to see if the Island Boys were about to attack him, but instead seeing that thing they call a crowd barrier), he entered the ring.  
  
Taking the microphone, Mini-Dust stepped back and looked around again. "Yeah," he said in a surprisingly deep voice. "Whaddya want?"  
  
After the camera stopped shaking from the deep voice, Bischoff smiled and leaned down on one knee. "I just love kids!" he gushed, pinching a cheek and then giving Mini-Dust a pat on the back. Unfortunately, it knocked him over and into the ring post. Bischoff suddenly stood up, jumped away and screamed. "Your three minutes are up!!"  
  
The crowd looked around, waiting for Rosey and Jamal. Nothing came, until some people (and the camera) caught sight of a tiny ripple in the crowd. It reached the ring barrier, and out jumped... a Mini-Rosey and a Mini-Jamal! The ran after Mini-Dust, who ran backstage and hid behind regular sized Goldust.  
  
"I could eat you like an..." pause for a chest rub and air-bite, "ice creeeeeeeeam cone!" Goldust said, and for once in his life, someone shook with fear. Mini-Rosey stepped away, but Mini-Jamal ran up and kicked his knee.  
  
"Your three minutes are up again, bitch!" he said, in a much softer and sweeter voice than Mini-Dust. After only a second (not even three!) the normal Rosey and Jamal appeared again, and laid the Smack... I mean, kicked Goldust ass. Booker T was nowhere to be seen, leaving Goldust to wonder as he made friends with the floor.  
  
**Later that night**  
  
"I am the Game! I am the Heavyweight champion! I do not fight losers like D'lo Brown, I make losers lose to me! And then I call them losers! And hasbeen! Are you even listening to me, Eric? I have a sledgehammer, I'll sledge you good if you mess with the Game!" Triple H was livid, yelling in Bischoff's face, while Ric Flair stood nearby and mouthed "Whoo" to himself.  
  
Shaking his head, and ignoring the pulsing vein in the Champ's arm (which seemed to be getting bigger, hmmm), Bischoff pointed his best finger and gave his "I'm mad at you so I won't smile nicely" smile. "Listen, Triple H. I understand you don't want to wrestler D'lo. Hell, even Big Show turned down the offer! But, I had to make a deal to get him off the announce team on Sunday Night Heat, and he wanted a match against you. Just go out there, you've got Ric Flair here to help you cheat. I know he's not much-", Flair looked hurt, while Triple H mouthed 'you're damn right', "-but his multicoloured robes have blinded the best of them!"  
  
Pouting/Smirking/Being bitchy for a second, Triple H finally shook his head in disgust and walked away. Flair paused for a second, and then stood in Bischoff's face. "Now, I know we have a lot in common, but don't you ever say Triple H "isn't much" again!" And, feeling proud, he crippled his way off camera, silently laughing about being on WWE tv longer than Hulk Hogan.  
  
**During the impressive- no, wait- surprisingly NOT visually handicapped Blindfold Match between Triple H and D'Lo...**  
  
There was brilliant cheating on both parts. Triple H cheated and pulled off his see-through hood. D'Lo cheated the audience out of a good match. All was right in the wrestling world for another week... (yes, I'm ignoring the rest of the show). 


	5. Smackdown!: The Finale

**The finale (well, all I'm writing anyway)**  
  
"Welcome... to... Smackdown!" Stephanie screeched. The crowd didn't mind, however, because a genius Dawn Marie gave them out before the show (wait a minute, did I just say that?). "And, for you SMACKDOWN crowd, in your SMACKDOWN seats, I have a new set of Tag Team Champions." She paused, and then mumbled quickly. "Ignoring the ones already on RAW of course."  
  
She called out Kurt Angle, and the fans didn't chant "You Suck" over and over again. Instead, they chose the newer and much funnier (sarcasm, people) "What?" chant after every word. SCSA was alive in their hearts, although both programs chose to ignore him now...  
  
"I'm a freakin' gold medalist!" Kurt said. And then he said more freakin' stuff, before Chris Benoit came out. Everyone pretended he had acting ability, and tried to avoid staring at his hair. He and Angle did something they called "a stare down", but most people usually called it a Eskimo kiss, and there was a brief moment where Stephanie McMahon got hit by a big object (brilliant plan #1), fell down in a short skirt and tight top (watch the male ratings riiiiiise), and actually GOT BACK UP. After celebrating that she didn't act dead after this move, Stephanie gave a bitch slap or two (while Tazz and Michael Cole reminded the fans that these kind of bitch slaps were only on Smackdown!).  
  
**In The Ring...**  
  
Jamie "Hey, isn't Jamie not a redneck name?" Noble came to the ring with Nidia "didn't I win a contest because I could wrestle, not because I had lots of tongue?". He was dressed to impress, having his best tuxedo and tie on. Nidia realized this as they got to the ring, and she looked down at her full length jeans and sweater attire.  
  
"JayyMai!" she cried. "I hate you! Let's have sex! I mean... eh, what happened to our clothes?"  
  
He looked down, and quickly dragged her back behind the curtain. Amidst the shaking and painful noises, they changed clothes, because when they came back out, Jamie was dressed as Elvis, and Nidia was Marilyn Monroe.  
  
"Naw, you there Memmmmfis folks, I'ma give ya an ermpression you never forget!" While the crowd was busing looking for the free Redneck Dictionary (provided with every SMACKDOWN, only on SMACKDOWN seat), he did an impression that left them all "speechless". Or bored, you pick.  
  
**And, in the main event**  
  
Brock Lesnar actually had a match...  
  
....no, wait...  
  
Kurt Angle wrestled Chris Benoit. It was (to quote someone not on SMACKDOWN, SMACKDOWN!) cool. For some reason, Tazz made a frightening discovery when Latino Heat (times two) made an appearance. That was not a mullet! It was the long neglected brother of The People's Eyebrow, and a twice removed cousin to Jericho's beard! And, like all things good, it could only be found on SMACKDOWN!  
  
And, while Smackdown ended for that week, Stephanie McMahon sat backstage, watching old Raw tapes and counting the number of times The Undertaker used to be on. If it worked with Triple H, why wouldn't it work better on Smackdown? That was, of course, her secret to success. No, not Triple H (somewhere, Eric Bischoff got another great HHH-related idea that made him smile), it was giving The Undertaker a new gimick! He could always use a new one...  
  
(and so goes the era of Smackdown VS Nitro... ah... no... wait, I meant Ra- .... *heavy thud, sound of Vince McMahon saying "Dammit, I hate that company!"  
  
**The End** 


End file.
